The story of how I ended up in Hawaii starts when I graduated college 5 years ago. It's not a long story, and not a particularly interesting one either. But it is important to who I am as a person and the changes I've made in my life.
When I graduated college, I was scared I wouldn't find a job. I couldn't even get an internship, why would someone want to hire me?! I had no experience and I didn't even have a good enough GPA to back up why I could possibly still be considered as a good hire. So trust me when I say I was as shocked as you are right now when, on the day I graduated with my bachelor's, I went to a career fair at the business school and was offered a job by the partner of a CPA firm just based on my handshake.
So obviously I took the job as an associate in audit at a local CPA firm where I ended up staying for 5 years. I went through a promotion, and a merger, and worked my tail off through my whole experience to prove I deserved to be there. But in that time, my mental health deteriorated. The long hours required in audit seemed to get longer every year. And when it mixed with the effects that COVID-19 had on the whole world, my anxiety and depression were at an all-time low (or high?). I had lost my sense of self through long hours at work, lockdown, and a bad boyfriend.
In 2020 I ditched the boyfriend. Then in 2021, I took a break from the job due to stress. I found myself on a 9-week leave of absence, all because of the stress that took a toll on my physical and mental health. I returned to work in May 2021 and was ready to set boundaries, as well as work hard to separate my personal life and work life. That went great! For about 10 days. By day 45 back at work, I needed a second leave of absence. That's when I knew I had to make a change.
How I quit was nothing short of the least cute moment of my life. I met the partner of our department in a Zoom meeting, where he was fully expecting to conduct my yearly performance evaluation, and where I flipped the script and started crying my eyes out. I explained I wasn't doing well and had to leave the job, I had no plan. I had no outlook. I didn't know what would happen - where I would work, or how I would make an income. I also had no idea how I was going to help my depression and lessen my anxiety, while also trying to find a job. None of this seemed like a good idea, but my gut (or my intuition or instincts or higher source or whatever) was telling me that I had to do this.
A week later, with one week left of work and still no job on the horizon, I bought a $500
ticket to Hawaii that would be leaving in one week. My cousin was there and I figured, "What the hell. Why not. I have nothing else to do and I might only get this chance once."
One week later I was in Hawaii. I thought I would
be snorkeling and hiking and really exploring all the nature, beauty and landmarks that we know of Hawaii. But my trip turned out to be totally different. I spent 4 hours on my first morning there talking to my aunt. I stayed up late nights talking with my cousin. And I met several other family members that live in Hawaii while I was there. That may not seem like an impactful statement, but if you know me, this is a huge deal. I have been in and out of contact with my family for over a decade. And I have to admit, I was pretty selfish. I spent all my time focused on myself and my goals, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I thought my family was keeping me further from reaching my goals.
What my time in Hawaii showed me, which was against my story at the time, was that they loved me no matter what - no matter how much time I spent away from them or paths I chose, they wanted the best for me. The other thing I learned was that when I was younger, I thought my family disrespected me - I thought the way they spoke to me was to undermine my life and interests and make me feel bad. In actuality, they respected me so much, even as a child, that they were willing to lay out life straight. Their intention was always to give me the tools up front that I needed in order to succeed in life. Which, ironically, is exactly the way I am now! I love and care for a person so much that I will share unprecedented advice to help them succeed. It isn't to talk down to someone or deter them from their current goals, quite the opposite - if I believe you are worth more, I will tell you so. And if I have learned
something that can spare you some future pain and heartache, I will share that too!
So all in all, my trip to Hawaii was not about me seeing the world and exploring the island alone. It turned out to be about getting away from home in order to become closer to home. To reconnect with my family and be offered the love and empowerment I needed to take on the world with out fear. Knowing the entire time my family believed in me and was going to be there for me no matter what I decided to do, or which way I might fall. And now, seeing the VERY long line of strong women I come from, I know that I can take on anything I want. I have no fear of the unknown anymore, only a desire to explore it.
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